Love With Conditions
I think it is so easy to look on social media and see what you don't have. It's hard to recognize what love is when you have never seen it. The only love I knew growing up was love that came with conditions.
I was overshadowed as a child, so I was forced to be alone. Then I got older and chose to be alone. At first, it was to help me discover who I am at the core of my existence. Then I learned that the angry and mean child I introduced everyone to was just a child. A child who was never picked for the good things and experiences, but was the first to be blamed, hurt, and ignored.
When I realized that, I decided I like being alone, because a child cannot protect themselves, but as an adult, I always have a choice.
What I Actually Want
I say all of this to say: I am not lonely, but I do have FOMO about what could potentially be my future. I want to live my life with someone. I like to cook, clean, and nurture. I want a man to lead me through the forest, because right now I am doing it alone and I am exhausted.
I want to have a big family. The experience of motherhood looks amazing. Besides my mom, my sister, and my grandmother, a woman I have always looked up to and truly think is incredible is my sister-in-law, Licia. She is everything and more. She is a wonderful mother to her three beautiful children (my niece and nephews! What can I say, proud auntie right here!).
Lead, But Don't Be Blind
How do we communicate with the sex we like? For me, I like the male species, and we are taught from a young age, or at least I was, that a woman's job is to be quiet and submissive and to let the man talk and lead.
I do not mind a man leading. Just do not be blind while doing it. Let me know the route, so I have a choice in whether that is the route I want to take to the destination, and whether I even want to go to that destination. I want to be heard, appreciated, and understood. This world is so hard that I do not want to be in bed next to my enemy.
I recently saw a video on TikTok by the creator Holly Zeilenga. She is so happy that she's divorced, and I am so happy for her. But in the same breath, the only happy days I want to experience with my future partner are the day we choose each other (and that should happen every day), our wedding, the birth of our children, their milestones, and all the good things.
Scared to Live
When I look online and see people like Blueface openly talking about their "roster" and all the spiritual ties that come with it (because that is ultimately what sex creates), it creeps me out. Honestly, I do not want that for myself, and I do not want my kids to think that is okay. It is easy to see the dissociation that happens with the children. I know because I experienced it, and it left me lost as an adult, now sitting here trying to put the pieces together.
I mean, come on. I am telling the world that I am 24 and I have no life. You have to live to have a life, and I am so scared to live.
I recently lost my soul dog, Malaysia, after my other dog, Miley, bit her. Now, I will be honest: I did not know she had been bitten until it was too late, and I am not even sure it was my other dog who did it. But even if it wasn't her, it showed me how fast someone you love can be gone. It shows me that I can lay my head down next to someone I deem worthy of my time and vulnerability, just for them to hurt me in the end. I do not know if I can do that.
The Books Lied to Us (and I Love Them Anyway)
The world we were promised in the movies and in the books is not real. Like, Aria, did you really have to start dating your teacher? Or be fifteen and into men who have seven-plus years on you? But then again, I can smell the daddy issues from the pages and the television (I consumed both). Or Blair Waldorf and her list of men who could never appreciate her and always looked at her best friend first, even Chuck Bass.
I love the damage these men can do in the books (dark romance fiend here, and we can thank Rina Kent for the introduction), but when it comes to the real world, I am tucking my tail! [Curtains closed.]
Some of us get lucky, and some of us really gotta pull those layers off the onion. Very corny, I know. Should I have said the husk? Okay. Okay. Let me stop.
But I truly wonder what my life could be if I was not scared of things going left. I also feel like I wasted so much time trying not to get hurt that now I am at the age where I need to be looking for my husband. I say that, and in the same breath, I do not want to settle. So I may need to do some looking and some playing.
Everyone Is Performing
Another thing I want to add is that I think society has played a part. It seems like every time I open social media, everyone is performing. If everyone is performing, who is being real? If you leave the mask on for so long, you forget what you really look like. Who you really are.
I find that many people I have met are a little shallow, and maybe I am as well. I don't know. I am so guarded, and I am aware of that. And because I am aware, I know that I do not know who I am. I guess that is what they mean by a double-edged sword. No matter where you place me, I am getting cut.
The Rules I Made for Myself
This goes back to the stipulations I put on myself. When I was fat, I swore no one would look at me because I looked disgusting. Then I lost over one hundred pounds, and I felt the need to keep focusing on myself. For me, that meant focusing on school, and now I have my diploma and three degrees.
I am educated but lost, in a world where I want to be seen and not seen at the same time. Again, weird. But what about my personality? Do I have an entertaining one, a calm one, or what?
Dating Myself First
Ultimately, after writing this, I think I need to find myself before I find a partner. I do not want to start identifying myself through another human being. I did that all my life, and when my mom passed, I crashed harder than all my siblings.
If you are in the same boat as me, I think it is best that we date ourselves and not focus on society's demands, or even the demands that may be coming from some of our families.
Follow me here and on my socials, and you can watch my journey here and there.
Now I want to hear from you: Are you dating yourself first too? Or did you already find your person? Tell me in the comments.
